Boundaries With Adult Children

Taking Personal Accountability

So sorry for the lag in blogging, Dear Reader. Going through lots of life transformations and up levels which I'm sure I will be sharing with you in future installments.

Im continuing to write my story in this blog “Giving it to You Raw”. So here I go…

There are many things quoted on the interwebs.

Wonderful quotes to fit almost any mood, vibe or mindset.

One that hits the feels for me lately is “Three things shine before the world and cannot be hidden.They are the Sun, the Moon, and the Truth.”

Kerri (made up name) likes to post her version of Truth for the world to see (Then takes it down but not before I screenshot the damn thing as proof) and like all narcissists conveniently lets the things she has done over the last twenty years out of that version. A version that tells so many lies and half truths.

Her version also tells of past transgressions while mine speak to the current. I speak to the current to bring to light unchanged behaviors. Twenty years of the same shit with no growth is sad really. If you live twenty years and you don't experience any growth did you really live at all? What a harsh reality. But I digress.

Kerri mentions in her story about all the new cars Tim bought for his wife. Tim didn't buy them for his wife. I had my own car that I paid for myself minus two payments. I loved that car. The story to explain the cars would take hours to type but let's just say when Tim and I moved south we had no car payments. Tim has wasted money on four cars since moving south. That is a HUGE financial burden for which I am cast blame.

Tim chooses Kerri over his spouse and now after twenty years I'm actually over it.

A parent should never be put in a place where he/she needs to choose between a spouse or an adult child; however, if that adult child thinks that he/she ranks hire then the new spouse and tries to undermine the relationship and is jealous of all the things the parent does for his/her new spouse then, Houston, We got some problems up in here. (said with my best Madea accent I can muster)

But you see, there is something I like to mention to my clients:

It's not only the adult child's fault. YES, that adult child should mind their own family but if the parent of that adult child does not set the boundary to let it be known that interference in the relationship is a ‘No Go’ then how can the adult child be held completely accountable and not Tim as well?

Keeping Your Shit Between You and Your Spouse

Wasn't it Tim who took all the marital problems to Kerri spinning the half truths so he was the victim of a crazy jealous wife?

Wasn't it Tim, in his need to have people on his side, the one who shared things with his adult children that was not for them to know?

A recent conversation with a friend shared that he believes Tim is extremely insecure and doing the crazy self destructive things that sabotage our marriage and relationship where done from those insecurities. Who knows?

Tim made a decision to move a grandchild into the house without communicating that decision with his spouse. There was no meeting of parents to discuss discipline, outline expectations, medical care, how long the arrangement would be, who would be responsible for what, etc. I was never even given a true reason why the grandchild had to move in with them. I found out by over hearing a call between Tim and Kerri. Tim tells everyone I didn't want the child there when in fact I was angry that I was so disrespected by not being told about the arrangements. I wasn't given a say in my own home. I was the last to know and was completely sidelined, totally blindsided, I was caught totally unaware and had no time to process or talk about it.

Tim set up a bank account for Kerri that was in his name. (Kerri was receiving SSI and couldn't have money in her name) Tim never told me about it. I found out when checks to a new account showed up at the door and I knew nothing about them. Keep in mind I haven't mentioned that Tim had a habit of hiding money from me AND he withheld financial support as punishment.

So I confront Tim and he gets super defensive and tries to brush it all off saying things like “I told you I was going to do this” and then”Its between me and Kerri”

Tim then tells Kerri I am so controlling because I got angry about him creating the account for her. I am so jealous! I am crazy for being upset at a father setting up another account in HIS name for his adult child. (when in fact I was angry about not knowing about the accountant found out after the fact)

Did Tim making unilateral decisions in the house and keeping me out of the details, Hiding things from me, and telling my secrets to his adult children create this huge problem?

Kerri spins a story on her spindle like a golden thread to get the sympathies from her friends and distant family. The story of how much BLOOD means to her and she worries about Tim’s safety and sanity as his spouse runs through all his money. (her story not mine) but what Kerri doesn't spin is how she took her own child to court because he doesn't kiss her ass enough for her liking. Her child lived in her house with the only “rent” being upkeep of the home, Taxes and utilities. But that soon wasn't enough for Kerri. She wanted control too. (shocker)

Control over who her son allowed to visit in the home he resided in. Kerri CLAIMS SHE allowed MY son to stay there as well as other people for a short time like it was her kindness that permitted it. Facts are her son lived in the home and she no longer has a say over who is in the house. Especially without a written contract stating differently.

Due to this twisted need for control Kerri’s son decided to buy himself a home. Smart move I'd say. Kerri retaliates with a court proceeding against her son…her BLOOD… for rent money she isn't even owed.

But court is not new to this woman. She brought charges against her Blood once before and that time it was Tim, Her dear daddy. She wrote on a court document that Tim…Her daddy… was a threat to her young daughters. She didn't believe they were safe with him around them. You know what i'm saying here right?

I was mentioned in that document as well stating since I tried to commit suicide years previous I was a violent danger to her family and others.

BUT there is MORE for you all to learn from my tales about Tim, Kerri and even Cathy. (Don't know who Cathy is? Read “How Not To Be An Asshole In A Time of Illness” to catch up);however What I am going to teach you now is called PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY.

I have only touched the surface of what I have dealt with in this saga. There is more to come. However, I didn't set up boundaries for myself.

I should have made it clear about what I would tolerate in my marriage.

I should have set up what kind of treatment I would deem acceptable to me. How much disrespect I would tolerate if any.

I should have set strong boundaries for how I would want to be treated and spoken to.

I did not stand up for myself. If I dont stand up for myself then I set the precedence of what's acceptable.

We do in fact teach people how to treat us by what we accept.

That doesn't make Tim, Kerri and Cathy or anyone else free from their accountability but it's important to recognize the patterns we create so we don't create them again in a new relationship or in other areas of our lives. What we do in one area of our life we tend to do in all areas.

After years of working on my own childhood trauma’s I now know that I will never tolerate even a small example of what I have just shared in my new relationships.

If you are in such a relationship or have left such a relationship I encourage you to seek counseling or a coach (shameless plug here) to help you work through it.

Reactive Abuse

I will also share with you what reactive abuse is:

Reactive abuse occurs when the victim reacts to the abuse they are experiencing. The victim may scream, toss out insults, or even lash out physically at the abuser. The abuser then retaliates by telling the victim that they are, in fact, the abuser.

I did toss insults, scream, I threw things…I felt completely out of control and I actually had no control. I had given it away to Tim and his family. I was dealing with my own trauma from mother’s abusive behavior, my step father raping, molesting and emotionally abusing me and now Im married to more of the same.

I remember one day when Tim was leaving to go somewhere we were arguing over something. I recall asking him, then screaming at him to just leave because the argument was escalating. Name calling, gaslighting…usual shit. Even though he was leaving to go somewhere he would not stop arguing. I picked up a plastic spatula from the dollar store and threw it at him. The same time I threw it he opened the front door and the plastic spatula went through the single pane of the farm door window. Tim was happy to spread that story of abuse to his family…leaving out the part where I had asked him over and over to just leave pushing me til I did in fact snap. That's reactive abuse.

Tim still to this day likes to justify the horrible behavior of his daughter and her family because I called her names and said nasty things. In fact his exact words recently were “You called them pretty awful things. Things no parent should say to their child”

Yes I did and not because I was a mean person but in reaction to their constant abuse.Abuse that STILL CONTINUES TO THIS DAY!!!

Tim even said at one point that I don't like babies. I love babies. I had been married twice before Tim and had step sons with each marriage. One of those boy’s mother actually PUBLICLY thanked me on FB for how I treated her son as my own. She had no reason to post that. I hadn't tagged her in anything. I did tag her boy in an old photo I had found. She even went as far to share on a phone call one day that her son never said he was going to Dad’s. He always said he was going to Michelle’s.

I was raised with half siblings. I was taught that they are family and never to be treated differently than blood. Tim never taught that to his children.

It's important when raising blended families that both families blend as one and not be separated. That's a whole other blog I could write.

Ignoring your adult child’s or adult step child’s disrespect of your marriage is the surest guarantee the disrespect will continue.

Its even more important to take full responsibility for what we allow in our relationships as early as we can so we can teach people how to treat us. If you are years into a relationship you can still set those boundaries now. It will be difficult and quite possibly difficult decisions might have to be made about that relationship. YOU are worth the effort. YOU are worth having a loving and safe relationship. YOU are worth being treated with respect in your house and by your spouse and the spouse's family needs to respect your position. Even if they don't like you they have to respect your position in the family and never attempt to undermine it.

Create a Step Mother’s Bill of Rights: I saw something similar somewhere and it made perfect sense:

1. I will be a part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

2. People outside the immediate family--including ex wives or ex husbands, in-laws and adult children- cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

4. I must be consulted about which children live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

5. I will not be solely responsible for housework: chores will be distributed fairly.

6. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

8. I will never be treated as an “outsider” in my home.

9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

10. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address issues together.

These are just a few add your own as you see fit and do not negotiate them. You and your spouse must be on the same page or your story will read like mine.

I invite you to leave a comment let me know your takeaways from this entry. What would YOU add to your Bill of Rights?

Don't forget to SUBSCRIBE to get all the current Blog Posts!

Thank you for taking a moment to read, comment and subscribe. I know how valuable your time is and I am honored you spent some of it with me on this journey.