How Not To Be An Asshole In a Time Of Illness

Being in a blended family has its ups and downs.

It can be a blessing or a curse.

A chance for a do-over or a nightmare.

In my case it was a curse.

I married a man with two adult children and a nine year old.

This isn't about that story but just a part of it. It does start with a blended family and how they mesh together. Or they don't. I can say a whole lot about blended families but that's for another time.

This conversation is about how to maneuver an illness.

Twenty years after marriage, I have had to fight for my place.

I was told that blood is thicker than water.

As the children of a previous marriage they rank higher than the wife. I never saw it as a competition.

For 20 years I tried to be a part of a family and feel accepted.

It was a new concept for me especially with bonus children because I was raised with technically ALL half sister and brothers.

My mother taught us all from toddlers that the only “steps” that existed in our house where the ones that led your happy ass out of the house if you didn’t embrace your siblings as a whole and not a “half” or “steps “

I have been married twice before and had bonus children twice before and this never was an issue.

In fact those bonus children looked forward to coming to MY house to see ME.

I had my bonus children’s mother publicly thank me for being a bonus mom to her child.

So imagine my surprise when the family of the man I grew to love didn't teach this fundamental of acceptance in a family and still doesn’t teach those same lessons and they have looked at me as an outsider my whole life.

And this man never stopped it. In fact I believe based on how stories were told throughout the past 20 years that he encouraged it.

He encouraged the division.

Full disclosure: I entered this family well before my healing journey.

I made mistakes.

Mistakes I would never make now.

Today, in this leg of my journey through life…truthfully If I found out about this family dynamic in a current relationship that relationship would end. Quickly.

I have no time or tolerance for hate.

I have no time or tolerance for hypocritical behaviors.

I have no time or tolerance to be the one there every day being treated less than.

Basically feel like I’m just “The Help”

You NEVER should have to fight for your place in a family.

You NEVER should have your mistakes from the past held against you while those people holding them against you are making their own currently just like they did in the past. 20years of the same behavior and no growth.

You NEVER should be treated “less then” just because you married into a family.

And FAMILY, if you wouldn’t want YOUR PERSON to be treated horribly,

to be ignored,

to be told they aren’t BLOOD,

to be told they are jealous,

to never to be included,

To have grandchildren threatened to lose their home if they welcome me into it

To have every word and action judged,

If you would want them looked after if you got hurt and couldn’t do it yourself,

If you wouldn’t want your family challenging your person's right to be in your family…..just to name a few…

Then DON'T do it to your parent’s wife or husband.

It’s not a fucking competition.

If you are experiencing this, remember your worth isn’t determined by the lack of personal accountability and responsibility of the people disrespecting your husband/ wife’s choice of mate.

And it’s not even about disrespecting… It is about honoring your parents' choice of mate.

It’s not about YOUR happiness, it's about your parents.

At least it is if you love your parents.

So if any of this resonates…if it triggers you….

I suggest doing some inner work.

I suggest re-evaluating your beliefs and actions. But I digress….

In my case my husband experienced a heart attack.

It came as a complete shock. And it came at the most inconvenient time.

(as if such a thing is EVER convenient)

I'm beginning a four day all day online event with my coach who also is my VA client. It’s a HUGE event unlike any I have helped with to date.

I wanted it to be perfect for my client. I want him to succeed and be as big as Tony Robbins or even bigger.

I wanted nothing to go wrong. Insert the universe sending a lesson in the form of a heart attack.

Husband, we will call him Tim for his protection, went into the hospital Sunday and was having chest pain. I was working.

As soon as I was able I drove to the hospital downtown and stayed for four hours left and rinse and repeat until Friday, the day of Tim’s open heart surgery.

Now keep in mind that first week Tim was surrounded by nurses in the ICU, he had his own room and had access to his phone and the internet. Yet I was told I was a terrible wife because I wasn't at his bedside all day. The same people that criticized me were hundreds of miles away.

Did I mention the 20 years of constant judgment?

Let's add some more crap to this, Shall we?

A relative of Tim's, we will call her Cathy, decided this was the best time to ask for my Netflix password.

The actual conversation was Cathy decided it's time for her to “Budget” and her idea of budgeting was to use others' logins instead of paying for her own.

Now as a backstory Cathy had access to my Netflix in the past and she decided it would be fun to change my icons and remove my name from my icon and replace it with the word “No”. Nothing more disrespectful than that, right?

I would change everything back to what it was and BOOM it would change again.

The sad part about that was I blamed my daughter for doing it.

My daughter and I were fighting and I thought she was being petty but it wasn't her it was Cathy. Cathy lost the privilege of my password. However, my question is this: Is when your Grandfather is in ICU with chest pains awaiting open heart surgery the right time to ask for a freaking password to save yourself money?

My thoughts are NO!

And Cathy thought I was being unreasonable, after all didn't my husband give me so many things?

Excuse me…you DID catch that you said HUSBAND right?

And of course Cathy is under eighteen and thought she should inform me that i'm not that great of a wife. ALL because I called her out on her timing and how it seemed to me that money was more important than the health of her family member.

And it didn't stop there. His daughter, we will call her Kerri, added fuel to the fire by complaining that Tim didn't answer her calls.

Did I mention Tim was in ICU surrounded by nurses and awaiting open heart surgery?

With that comes echocardiograms, ultrasounds and other tests.

Tests that wear you out as if having shortness of breath and chest pains didn't wear you out enough.

Maybe,just maybe, Tim wasn't able to take your call…again is this the time we want to bitch about cell phones calls and shit, really?

Oh but it doesn't stop there…Kerri was having a super huge disagreement with her son, Adam.

Because of the nature of the argument Adam was keeping his child from Kerri for the child’s protection.

Apparently the day before open heart surgery is when you should complain to someone about YOUR problems to the extent that Tim calls Adam trying to convince him to let Kerri see the child.

So, lessons from the ICU:

1. The ICU patient is there because what they have is life threatening. It's not an appropriate time to ask someone to help you save money by giving them the wife’s passwords.

2. The ICU patient is most likely getting tests and is probably exhausted and won't be able to make or take calls.

3. The ICU patient is the main focus. If you are making everything about you then you might be a narcissist…just saying.

4. Save your family bullshit for another time. The ICU patient is in there to heal not play negotiator in your battles.

5. The ICU patient's spouse will always have a say over the ICU patient's treatment above all other family members. If you want information and updates it would behoove you to have respect for that spouse and cultivate some sort of relationship for the sake of the patient.

6. If you want to visit the ICU patient when they return home you might want to consider how you have treated the spouse up til the time of the medical emergency. No One wants anyone in their home that has disrespected them over and over and has tried to undermine their place as spouse. Basically you reap what you sow…so plant wisely.

Illness is about the person who is sick. Not about petty fights, money, phone calls etc. It's about helping someone get well and giving that person the best environment to heal.

Actions always speak louder than words. If someone calls you out on your actions when illness is present…check yourself.